hello there...

it's been a little while since i've surfaced on any platform. i get a lot of questions every single day as to why i stop posting, to why i stopped sharing and creating content on youtube, and the simple answer is i simply lost confidence. i lost my spark, and i let fear and shame consume my entire being. i decided to hide out, thinking it would make everything better, but as we all know running away from the uncomfortable only brings it right to your face. 

sharing to instagram felt forced for some time, i wanted so badly to write and share motivating words and ideas to whoever came across my feed, but it wasnt there. and thats when i knew i needed to take a break.

that break turned into over a year. i had to get to know myself again after going through years of a traumatic eating disorder and crippling self-doubt and depression. after i "recovered", i didn't even know who i was. what were my hobbies? i had none, none that i can remember. what did i like to do? read? study? i was at a complete standstill. i had no idea what kind of person i was, because i wasn't a functioning human for a very long time. that being said, i was at a peak of self-esteem. i felt GOOD, i felt ready to change and create myself. it was so incredibly challenging and saddening to receive emails and direct messages from hundreds of young girls everyday, and at that time i couldn't face them. i couldnt find the energy or the words to help them. it broke my heart into a million pieces, but taking a break from everything was something i had to do.

recovery is a very crucial and important part of your life if you chose to go through it. it's a transformational, life changing experience. however, in my personal opinion, you can't create a new identity around recovery, or around your eating disorder or illness. YOU are so much MORE than that. and you are NOT your illness or recovery. when i finally realized this, i really knew it was time to create experiences, to create memories and new relationships and hobbies. i was spending waayyyy too much time trying to heal others, while i still needed to help myself. 

the past year has been a crazy ride, emotions and feelings and ideas going all over the place, and for real, it has taken me these extra two years to really buckle down and actually understand what i want and what i want to work towards. today has been so liberating, i could just cry writing this, even though i already have a little bit!! it's a little scary and vulnerable to come back to the scene of instagram and youtube, but i'm really working on pushing myself to get uncomfortable. yeah, it's gonna be challenging! but who the heck cares!! this is my PURPOSE and my PASSION, and i'm not going to let fear run the show anymore. 

As for everything else in my life, i am busy working and teaching yoga! Meeting beautiful new humans who help to inspire me and help me every single day become a better version of myself. It has truly been a journey already, even though life is really just beginning for me. I've started a whole new chapter and I am so excited to share, connect, and help transform. 

thank you for staying connected and taking the time to be apart of my journey, it means the entire world to me. email me anytime to connect x

maddie

What if you did fail?

What would you do if you did fail?

What is that one thing that makes you so happy,

so passionate and excited,

that even if you did fail, you would pick yourself up and try again?

So many times I hear, what would you do if you did not fail?

But why do we look at it that way? Not making any mistakes is so boring, so lifeless and dull.

Look at what would make you see past failure. 

Look at what makes you do it, just for the fun of it.

Just for the joy and inspiration you get from trying it.

Just Do it

It's not about making what your create the best it could possibly be. It's not about trying to be better than your friend or the cool kids. It's about doing your work because it brings YOU happiness, joy, desire and motivation. If you like to doodle, then doodle! Don't stress yourself out over messing up. If you like to do math problems, heck do math problems. And don't worry about getting answers wrong. 

You can't tell yourself you aren't good enough, strong enough, creative enough, intelligent enough, whatever ______ enough. Because the last time I checked we don't have to prove anything to anybody. We are here and we are designed to create. To use our brains, our imaginations that we are gifted with to create with our endless possibilities. To be free and open and courageous, to take the ideas we get delivered to us and run with them. Do anything with them. Don't be afraid, be courageous.

Even if your final product doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, even if you think it looks awful, hey, at least you TRIED and you didn't just give up and walk away. You created something. And its of worth, even if you don't believe it.

Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to like what you create, what you say, what you do. And that's all the more reason why you should do whatever the hell you want and mind your own business, okay? You are the creator of your life, you are the controller of your happiness. 

Now, go and do what makes you feel AMAZING TO BE ALIVE!

It's About the Journey

I'm gonna be honest and say today hasn't been the best. Sure, the weather is beautiful and it's finally cool and crisp, my food tastes really satisfying, my friends have made me laugh. But I've been trailing off into the future. I keep worrying about this imaginary "end destination" when really that isn't the point. It isn't the point of living, to just keep looking ahead and planning everything. At least to me it isn't. Isn't it about the journey getting there? Coming across different cities and books and people, and learning all along the way?

Days like this I know I have to snap out of it. It's getting easier to do that, but every once in a while I always get that feeling like, what's really going to happen? And hey, it's okay to feel like that. It's okay to be uncertain and afraid. Like I said a few days ago, we are all going to feel those feelings. It's important to remember to always come back to this moment. The room you are sitting in, the journal you are holding, the birds you hear chirping. Everything is working out in divine order. Everything is happening for a reason. And the path you are on now is the one you are supposed to be on. The STEPS you take to get to your destination are what matter. It's life. And it's a crazy ride. 

Without going through these annoying phases life would be SO BORING! Think about it! If everything was easy and perfect, we would all be living the same life. A life of dullness and no originality and no fun, and no time to actually work hard and better yourself. It's in these moments that you might just be hit with that spark of inspiration.

I know when I'm able to go outside with a good book, or when I'm able to Skype my friends, I always feel so much better. But if any of you feel like this sometimes, hey, I feel you. I know what it's like. And I'm always here for you. And I want to remind you that this journey is what's so special about your life. It's what you make it. It's okay to cry, but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize you are so much more than you know. 

Acknowledging Your Fear

Dear whoever is reading this,

It is never too late to start over. It is never too late to start on a project you once thought of, never too late to begin a new journey or a different path. I think for most of us, we always come up with these feelings like we aren't enough of something, we aren't good enough, smart enough, patient enough, or ______ enough to create. You have to realize that no matter what, these feelings are going to pop up, we are born with them and they are molded into our DNA. There is no hiding from them, so you may as well acknowledge them, right?! Look, feelings are like people. If you are mean to them or ignore them, they are going to bite you in the butt later, okay? So when you feel fear creeping up on you, when you feel inadequate or small, accept this feeling. Talk to it. "I know it's your job to scare me, and I now realize that, but please let me do my job and we can both go on happily, alright? Thank you."

You have to realize you are so much more than you know, you really are. And when you get an idea, when you have the inspiration to create, grab the idea and run. Don't worry about what those annoying voices in you head are saying. You are YOU and everything you bring into this physical world is of worth, and you must always remember that. 

Acknowledging your fear is one of the first steps in becoming courageous, and I learned this from the amazing Elizabeth Gilbert. Because really, if we weren't born with fear we would all be dead. Like she says in her book, Big Magic, if we didn't have fear we would walk into traffic, play with wild animals, mess with deadly weapons and do crazy things we know are scary and could kill us. The point is, we have two kinds of fear: fear we need and fear we don't need. When you realize the fear that is holding you back and saying dirty words to you is the fear you don't need, you open up a whole new realm of courage and creativity. When you feel inspiration and ideas come flying at you, its inevitable that fear is going to come and knock on the door as well. Because that's what fear does. It comes when there is unknown outcomes, such as when a new idea comes to mind. It's brand new and there are infinite possibilities to take with it. And fear doesn't like that. It likes staying safe and quiet and to yourself, right?

So practice talking with your fear. Invite it in, and give it a talking to. It's going to be with us forever, so you may as well become friends with it :) Fear is just another feeling apart of our intricate beings and there is nothing to be ashamed of about it. 

Maddie