it's been a little while since i've surfaced on any platform. i get a lot of questions every single day as to why i stop posting, to why i stopped sharing and creating content on youtube, and the simple answer is i simply lost confidence. i lost my spark, and i let fear and shame consume my entire being. i decided to hide out, thinking it would make everything better, but as we all know running away from the uncomfortable only brings it right to your face.
sharing to instagram felt forced for some time, i wanted so badly to write and share motivating words and ideas to whoever came across my feed, but it wasnt there. and thats when i knew i needed to take a break.
that break turned into over a year. i had to get to know myself again after going through years of a traumatic eating disorder and crippling self-doubt and depression. after i "recovered", i didn't even know who i was. what were my hobbies? i had none, none that i can remember. what did i like to do? read? study? i was at a complete standstill. i had no idea what kind of person i was, because i wasn't a functioning human for a very long time. that being said, i was at a peak of self-esteem. i felt GOOD, i felt ready to change and create myself. it was so incredibly challenging and saddening to receive emails and direct messages from hundreds of young girls everyday, and at that time i couldn't face them. i couldnt find the energy or the words to help them. it broke my heart into a million pieces, but taking a break from everything was something i had to do.
recovery is a very crucial and important part of your life if you chose to go through it. it's a transformational, life changing experience. however, in my personal opinion, you can't create a new identity around recovery, or around your eating disorder or illness. YOU are so much MORE than that. and you are NOT your illness or recovery. when i finally realized this, i really knew it was time to create experiences, to create memories and new relationships and hobbies. i was spending waayyyy too much time trying to heal others, while i still needed to help myself.
the past year has been a crazy ride, emotions and feelings and ideas going all over the place, and for real, it has taken me these extra two years to really buckle down and actually understand what i want and what i want to work towards. today has been so liberating, i could just cry writing this, even though i already have a little bit!! it's a little scary and vulnerable to come back to the scene of instagram and youtube, but i'm really working on pushing myself to get uncomfortable. yeah, it's gonna be challenging! but who the heck cares!! this is my PURPOSE and my PASSION, and i'm not going to let fear run the show anymore.
As for everything else in my life, i am busy working and teaching yoga! Meeting beautiful new humans who help to inspire me and help me every single day become a better version of myself. It has truly been a journey already, even though life is really just beginning for me. I've started a whole new chapter and I am so excited to share, connect, and help transform.
thank you for staying connected and taking the time to be apart of my journey, it means the entire world to me. email me anytime to connect x
maddie
